interview
by haywardhelen
‘Stop thinking about it’, says my daughter, on a bush walk before dinner. ‘Just do it or don’t do it.’ ‘She’s right’, I say to myself, choosing not to respond. But then since when did the other person being right help anyone make a big decision?
When Tolstoy was plagued by indecision, about whether or not to marry, he wrote two lists in a notebook, one for marriage and one against it. By the time he’d done each of his lists was about even. Here are my two lists, very nearly equal, one for doing a drawing course, the other for not doing it.
For:
- To develop a skill that is native but rusty, and that might push me in a good way.
- To have a sabbatical after twenty years of writing part-time and being with family much of the time. To give me a perspective on my life by focusing on something outside myself – drawing in a studio – which would be a break from pushing myself as a writer and being there for my family.
- To be released from a particular version of myself, the existential equivalent of travel, without leaving a city I like living in.
- To have the instruction of two art teachers who, from first impressions, I like.
- To work around others rather than working alone as a writer.
- To make the most of my kids leaving home by doing something constructive, that I otherwise may not have done.
Against:
- Rather than seeing my kid’s absence as a chance to write full-time, I distract myself by doing a half-time course which takes me in another direction.
- Not earning money, confirming my financial dependence on others.
- Turning a private passion into a kind of work – fifteen hours a week in a studio – puncturing my fantasy of drawing as an escape from daily life, challenging me in new and not always welcome ways.
- Being an older student among predominantly younger students.
- Making myself busy as a defence against loneliness.
- Practical problems. Being locked into a timetable of school terms which conflict with my daughter’s university semesters. Putting our reactive dog in daycare when I’m at school – expense etc. Being at home less to support my hard-working husband. Lots of standing at an easel, which may require more yoga?
- A drawing course seems indulgent, increasing my existential angst for the future. Fear of failure.
+ + +
Now that I’ve been interviewed for the drawing course – 45 minutes with a lecturer looking at my portfolio and discussing the pros and cons of my suitability for the course – the decision has passed out of my hands. I can accept or not accept a place, but I can’t offer it. Probably should have been less honest.
Fingers crossed!
For what it’s worth, your list of pros seem to me to outweigh the cons.
That’s how I read it too. Thanks!
Good luck and enjoy what ever decision is Mae
such a recognizable situation!!!
i am a writer
i started sketching 9 months ago
it has been the best nine months in a very-very long time!
i will never make money on art, its not my plan to ever sell anything, and also; i never could make a living from writing, but i have a husband who can provide for us, and me having had main responsibility at homebase when our kids were small, this is a good deal for both of us. of course its risky, living is risky.
i’ve just turned 50, i have no time to loose; i have decided to let go – to jump in, to see where this new joy will take me …
I like your honesty, very helpful. so much simpler, and clarifying. thanks!
You’ll be offered a spot, and should take it. Your writing will also flourish. Sounds perfect x
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no spot so far, but thanks for your warm words. x
Sounds to me like you are an Artist, not just ‘a writer’- I bet being pushed in a new direction will fuel your writing too- the pros sound very positive, whereas the cons seem a bit negative and fear-based in their tone- I’m glad you did the interview, now let’s see what the Universe wants for you!
thanks for this, still waiting for the universe to respond; who knows what it wants from me!
Just posted a sculpture about split decisions! Wish I had read your post beforehand. What will be will be meant to be! Sounds a good decision though.
I worry too that if I spend more time drawing that this will lead me away from writing. But I’ve found that the one seems to fuel the other, as bone&silver mentions. I like your list of pros too!
great ideas!